In the spirit of the timeless, age-old question of what came first, the chicken or the egg? Here is a similar question to consider: do decisions impact our boundaries or do boundaries impact our decisions?
Let’s see:
On the one hand, it is necessary to make an initial decision about when it’s time for a boundary to be set. During a situation, or maybe a revelation, the idea comes to us – we want to better manage how, where and when we focus our energy and attention. We want to feel purposeful and productive with our time. When these wants for something different come to us, the opportunity for a boundary begins to reveal itself.
On the other hand, realizing a boundary is warranted is one thing – it’s a whole other thing to decide to honor it once it’s been set. As we recognize the benefits of or where the gaps are in our behavior with a boundary in place, we may choose to override them and get ourselves into evermore challenging situations. What’s the point of having boundaries if we choose to ignore them?
So, I pose this inquiry to you. What do you think?
Spoiler alert – I think this is a trick question – I believe setting a boundary IS the decision.
I’m sure it won’t take long for you to consider a moment of angst and frustration. A time in your life when you’ve felt worn down, depleted and exhausted. At the height of feeling overwhelmed, the thought that comes next may sound something like, “How did this happen?” or “Man, I am so done.” or “Enough is enough.” Exasperation and sheer confusion sets in – how does this keep happening? What will help me avoid this situation and live a life with more ease?
This moment of discontent is the moment. It is pivotal. This is your first opportunity to recognize a boundary in the infancy stage. The elevated emotions you are experiencing are tiny, yet powerful messages, chock full of guidance. Most of the time, we brush them off as being too tired, too emotional, or too…..pick your description. If only we reacted and responded to these messages as quickly and intentionally as the DMs or text messages we receive from others. We, too, are worthy of a timely response.
Consider these messages of emotions as data. Receive them without judgment. When the initial pings pop up, pause, breathe and consider what you are aware of at that moment. What are you feeling in your body, around your heart, in your gut? How beneficial is it to continue operating how you have been? What do you want to shift to move forward with more intention? What you likely are feeling may resemble some level of compromising your values and wanting to regain control of your time and attention to focus on what is important to you.
Cue the boundary.
Now, we know boundaries are not a new concept. One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – habit 3 “Put first things first” – explains the importance of “independent will.” Being tuned in and mindful that you are responsible for choosing where you put your attention and how your energy is used. This awareness is paramount and a key element of developing your personal management muscles. How are those muscles developed? By setting, working and living with a clear sense of your personal values (and reading his book is a phenomenal place to start, if you haven’t already.)
The idea of a boundary may be simple yet the choice to actively create and live within them can be timely, emotional and intimidating. The process demands a level of awareness as you move through life, engaging in your relationships and responsibilities. Here is a strategy to LEAN on when the time for a boundary presents itself:
Listen – Give yourself the time and respect to notice what’s happening, to listen to your emotions when you feel compromised. Remember, what you are feeling is data, albeit icky and confusing, telling you something’s got to give.
Engage – Choose to put yourself first and do something with the information. Use the data to engage your power to choose an action, or inaction, that benefits you. The way in which you live your life is yours to design. The how, when, where, what, why is all up to you.
Assess – Let your mind intentionally wander and consider what you want for yourself, your wellbeing, and your overall life experience. How do you want to move through your days, honor your commitments, and experience your relationships? Assess the situation and if the answers that show up are not what you want, seek out what it will take to get the answers you do want.
No, Thank You – The absolute best boundary is No. When something someone is asking of you compromises your priorities, makes your life harder, or takes away your joy, say No. Understand that 1) No is a complete sentence and 2) when you give a ‘No’ to others, you are saying ‘Yes’ to yourself.
Will it be hard? Yup. Will it be uncomfortable? Yup. Will people be annoyed with you? Yup. Will it be worth it? Yup. Yup. Yup.
The one simple truth in this life that so many people seem to forget is we each, individually, have the ability to choose what is best for us. We each choose who or what receives our precious time, energy and attention. We each choose what deserves our blood, sweat and tears. We choose. And by choosing to lean on boundaries, we choose to honor ourselves.
With all of life’s responsibilities, situations and expectations you are handling on a daily basis, one of the most impactful skills you can master is to learn how to determine, instill and respect your boundaries. Doing so is the key to a robust regimen of self-care, self-love and self-respect.
This is a contributed piece published by Lauren Lemieux, the founder and owner of Coaching to Fulfill Dreams. Lauren specializes in coaching individuals through personal growth, professional development, and leaving the family business.
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